


On Human Happiness

by Alexanderrrrr



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Christmas Eve, Christmas Presents, Double Dating, Gen, Post-Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-24 17:59:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19728847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexanderrrrr/pseuds/Alexanderrrrr
Summary: Half year after the Armageddon, there’s still no news from Heaven and Hell, while Christmas is around the corner. Aziraphale decided to use this temporary freedom to promote human happiness, and Crowley decided to help, in his own way.





	1. A Hell of Boredom

This had to be the longest afternoon Crowley had ever had in his life, which is about six thousands years long. This made the whole occasion much more insufferable.

They were in a small restaurant. A vegan restaurant, actually. It’s one of Aziraphale’s recent crazy idea. The restaurant were fine. Nice decorations, beautiful views, smiling waitresses, and surprisingly good food. However, what was really making Crowley nod off from time to time, is the conversations between Aziraphale and Anathema on the preservation of environment and so on.

Somehow, when the Armageddon was stopped, Aziraphale overheard what Anathema said to Adam, things about saving whales and rainforests. Although Adam decided not to interfere, Aziraphale had find the ideology inspiring and had ever since kept in touch with Anathema. These information Crowley gathered from their table talk.They are discussing enthusiastically, while Crowley and Newt nodded off by their sides.

“......another modern problem would be technology.” said Anathema,” Nowadays people are obsessed with their smartphones. They are addicted to it, and they don’t interact with each others as often as before, even parents with their kids. I heard about a demonstration organized by school-kids, protesting that they want their parents stop using phones and actually talk with them.”

Well. Smartphones. Crowley thought. It’s a pity he didn’t came up with the idea first, at least he invented selfie.

“I think the waste cause by the smartphones also led to pollution in the third world countries?” Aziraphale poured himself another cup of tea.

“One of my friend had been following the news. He also writes for magazine. If you are interested, I could give you some copies.”

“That would be great, thank you.”

Crowley woke up before his forehead hit the table. The conversation had turned to the whales again. Sitting across to him was Newt. The plain-looking young man were reclining against the window, sleeping with his mouth watering. His girlfriend seemed to be paying him no mind. Crowley muttered an excuse and went outside before nodding off again. 

He walked into the cold air of December. It’s nearly Christmas. The restaurant’s exterior was decorated with ivy, mistletoes, and wreath with jingle-bells. Crowley shuddered and lit a cigarette. The doorbell rang again, then he saw Newt followed him out with hair ruffled, glasses askew. 

“You smoke?” Crowley handed him a cigarette.

Newt took it. He smoked and coughed violently.

Crowley looked with amusement.

Newt was embarrassed. “I don’t usually smoke, but I want to go out, and smoking is not allowed indoors.”

They stood there for a while. It was becoming colder. Their feet were getting numb, and they were nodding off again. Crowley tried to make some small talk.

“Very interesting girlfriend you got.” Crowley gestured at Anathema.

“Oh yes, she is.” Newt nodded politely. ”You, too.”

“What?”

“Eh, sorry, I didn’t mean…...” Newt choked on the smoke.”I just thought…...”

The clouds of sleepiness were wiped clean by the shock, and it was replaced by a silence of confusion and embarrassment. 

“So, what do you do?” asked Newt.

Crowley pondered on the answer. As far as he know, the boy Adam had done something funny to the memories. 

“How much do you remember about the Tadfield Airbase?”

“Well, it’s a blur now, but I remember…...”

“Hold on a second. What were you doing at the Airbase?” Crowley was suddenly interested. Adam was there because he’s Antichrist, Anathema, the Book, but what was a normal human being doing there during the Armageddon?

“Well, you see.” Newt blushed a little. ”Anathema took me there, and there were four terrorists hacking into the airbase communication system and want to start the world war three. I think I kind of…... stopped it.”

“How? Are you a hacker?”

“Oh no, the opposite of that.” Newt waved his hands in panic ”Basically, everything I touched break.”

“You broke the communication system of the world?” Crowley was amazed. ”That is one amazing skill. Are you a wizard? Or a supernatural entity?”

“Huh?”

The doorbell rang again. Aziraphale and Anathema appeared.

“I see that you had had enough.” Anathema kissed Newt on the cheek and round a scarf around his neck. ”You forgot this.”

“It’s not boring. I always love to come out with you.”

“Nonsense. I could hear you snoring.”

“Yeah, but I still love it.”

Aziraphale nodded to them, smiling. “It’s very interesting talking with you, and I really like this restaurant……”

“Yeah, hope to catch up soon.” Crowley cut in. “I am freezing to death here. Did you get my hat, angel?”


	2. On Human Happiness

They got into the Bentley, Aziraphale stated to apologize.

“It must be so terribly boring for you.”

Crowley yawned as an answer and started the engine. 

“I’m so sorry, my dear.” 

Aziraphale’s apologize was sincere, but he sounded so excited and happy.

“Aren’t you bored?” Crowley asked. “Or you only didn’t fall asleep because you don’t know how?”

"Noooo. It’s a whole new world to explore!"

“Yeah, can’t wait to go to other vegan restaurants.” Crowley said sarcasticly, but Aziraphale didn’t notice the tone.

“Maybe it’s time to move forwards.” Aziraphale turned to Crowley. “What do you think about animal welfare?”

“Isn’t that outside our jurisdiction? We only mind human’s business.”

“But it would be fun! We could visit farms outside London.”

Crowley considered.

“Maybe. Anything but vegan restaurants,” then he said in a worried tone. “You didn’t actually go vegan, did you?”

Aziraphale hesitated.

“Well I haven’t notice until today you invite me to lunch. I’m not against it, personally.” Crowley explained. “But it really didn’t make much sense to me, for you to do it alone. If I were you, I would just snap my fingers and let others do my part of job. It’s the same in the end.”

Aziraphale blushed. He cleared his throat and started, and he cleared his throat again with embarrassment. Finally he managed:

“Actually, I encouraged human to do the actual …… vegan things.”

“What?”

“I didn’t go vegan myself, to be honest. What I did is more like to sponsor this new form of industry. Most of the time, it would involve me to perform some minor miracles to eh…… ”

“Are you turning people into vegans?”

“Nononono. Not necessarily.” Aziraphale said guiltily. “I simply promote their business, and only if I found their food good enough. So I’ve been visiting vegan restaurants around London for a little while.”

“Haha. There won’t be many. Why don’t you go vegan yourself?” Crowley teased. 

“The answer is quite obvious, don’t you think?”

“Sure. Too much to give up.” Crowley said merrily. “The Ritz, the sushi restaurants, a nice cup of hot cocoa while reading…… ”

“But it’s the right thing to do, isn’t it?”

“Of course it is.” 

“Doesn’t sound very convincing. Maybe I should go vegan myself.” Aziraphale worried. “At least for a week…… ”

“Nah, a meal is enough. ”Crowley said. ”You don’t have to do this, you know. Your side won’t care if you’re trying to make the human better. They just want the Earth destroyed.“

“I know. I didn’t do it for them. I do it for myself.” Aziraphale beamed. ”It’s the first time in six thousands years that I am free from the command of Up There. I want to do something to make human’s lives happier. It’s like a gift, a Christmas gift.”

“Well you should tell me. I know what people like.” Crowley hold out his hand and start to count. “They like nice food, fancy dress, TV shows, long vacations, hanging out with friends…… ” 

“I know.” Aziraphale stopped him. “Human could promote these things themselves. What I have in mind is more similar to that of Anathema.”

Crowley tried to think what Anathema thought. That young girl is an enigma to him.

“Anathema told me that, human beings are starting to care about others and their offsprings. They start to care about those live in faraway countries, those live in poverty, those in need, even animals. Most importantly, no one told them to do so.”

Crowley was suddenly a little touched. It’s the moment when the human manifest more grace than Heaven could ever imagine. 

“Is there anything I could do as well? To help you prepare this…… Christmas gift.”

“I don’t know.” Aziraphale pondered. “I’ve done nearly everything I could think of, and Christmas is around the corner.”

“Come on. There must be something I could do. I could miracle snow if the weather won’t serve.”

“Basically I didn’t do anything. I just brought up people’s attention on it, such as the pollution in third world countries, or the addiction of technology.”

“Oh I see. Terrible indeed, the pollution,” said Crowley, wondering what harm had technology done. 

Crowley drove home after dropping Aziraphale at the bookshop.

The real question is, how to make people happy. That’s what Aziraphale want to do, but Crowley really doubt promoting these sorts of thing would make people happy. These things were like restrictions, just like those heavenly virtues. Be prudent, be modest, don’t boast. Be generous with the poor, be content with your life. Forgive your enemy and forget their wrong. Crowley mistrusted these restrictions. He was so proud of M25, (until it burnt horribly during Armageddon, which was unexpected). He would never give his Bentley to the poor. Most of all, he hated Heaven for expelling him. He never meant to fall. He just asked to much. 

So he took his questions to Aziraphale. Aziraphale was much more smarter than him, but he was also too trusting and single-minded. Sometimes, it seemed Aziraphale was not sure with God’s Divine Plan as well. He simply believed in it. 

Maybe he should do it in his way. Crowley mused. What would he do if he wanted to promote human happiness?

But it put him back to square one. Human could tempt them themselves. Actually, They are the true masters, so Crowley could spare himself the efforts. Maybe that’s why Aziraphale didn’t tell him the plan. There’s nothing to be done. 

The whole thing still bothered him, however.

It troubled him no end. The day after tomorrow, he even came up with an idea of auto-watering machine when he was spraying the plants. Human would love it, but Crowley couldn’t care less.

“What am I doing. I don’t even care shit about humans.” Crowley yelled at the plants, then it dawned on him. 

It’s Christmas eve tomorrow. He had to make it quick. 

“Call Newt Pulsifer.” Crowley told his smartphone. It never occurred to him that he didn’t have Newt’s number. That’s what smartphones were for, weren’t it?


	3. Plants Rebel

The street was full of cars and people. Some were just returning from a long day’s work, slouching with a black suitcase in hand. Some just went shopping. They chatted and chuckled, carrying colourful paper bags, with red and green letters in capital, written: CHRISTMAS SALES. Some were excited children running around while their mother screamed their names. Shops were decorated. Christmas song was at every corners. 

Aziraphale looked up into the sky. It was snowing.

He was carrying a paper bag. It contained lemons, oranges, some cinnamon and a bottle of red wine. He checked his pocket watch. Maybe he could drop by Crowley’s place for a lift. Aziraphale was quite familiar with Crowley’s place. It was modern and stylish, and was just nearby, so it was quite a surprise when Aziraphale found himself stuck in the elevator.

The ascending stopped abruptly. Aziraphale hit the head when he tumbled. He could see nothing, the light had went out. From afar, machines all over the cities gave the last sigh before shutting down, like the last breath when life fled a man. No one had ever noticed the sound of a city running, now it’s gone, everyone heard its dead silence. Noises were rising in the street below. 

Aziraphale blinked.

A dull blue light filled the space. Another blink opened the doors. The elevator stopped between two stories. He gingerly slid out through the lower slot. A door cracked open and he was blinded by a torch.

“I’m sorry.” She said.

“It’s alright,” said Aziraphale. “It must be a power cut.”

“On Christmas eve.” she complained when locking the door. “My husband might get stuck in the tube. I have to go get him.” 

_Well_ , Aziraphale thought mournfully, _no mulled wine tonight, then._

“Shit. There’s no signal.” The women said.

Aziraphale climbed up to Crowley’s apartment. No one’s there. He must be on the street. Aziraphale moved to those tall, green and shiny house plants.

“Hello, dear Ivy.” Aziraphale asked. “Would you care to tell me where had Crowley gone?”

Aziraphale had made friends with the house plants when they exchanged their identities. The poor things looked so stressed. He promised them to buy some better fertilizer as suited their performance. The house plants were also very kind-hearted and talkative, and always so helpful to answer any of Aziraphale’s questions. (“Did Crowley like the book I lent him? He told me he just started. ”) The house plants were a bit paranoid, for unknown reason, so Aziraphale agreed to keep their friendship a secret.

“My place? Thank you so much. I just wanted to be sure.” Aziraphale said sweetly. “Dear Sarah, you look gorgeous today. No, I’m sure Crowley won’t turn you into salad.” He paused. “No, that’s not your namesake. I’ll have a word with him, and what did you say, Rosemary? Yes, he is my friend. Yes. Newt Pulsifer. How did you know?”

All the leaves shuddered, while Aziraphale listened.


	4. The Heavenly Chaos (or Merry Christmas)

All the light went out, at least most of them. No street lamps. No traffic lights. Buildings were only tremendous shadows that towered over the streets. The streets, on the other hand, were full of light. The traffic jam became a successive row of white and red illumination that patterned out all the main roads. The pavement was dotted with little shining squares of phone. Good luck to them. There’s no internet.

Crowley was admiring the view, on top of his Bentley, in the middle of the traffic jam.

It was a lot of fun, and there’s nothing he could do, really. The traffic won’t move an inch, and Aziraphale’s bookshop was just across the street. Better just stop and enjoy. The car behind him was sounding the horn. Someone was yelling. Crowley paid them no heed.  He spied a white figure in the crowd. There could be no mistake of that stupid tartan bow tie. he jumped up and yelled at the top of his lung:

“SURPRISE, ANGEL!”

Aziraphale was hurrying through the streets. It was a complete chaos. That might be an overstatement, but anyway the street was chaotic. The traffic either stopped or nearly stopped. There were some minor car accidents. Thankfully at some major intersections the traffic wardens had arrived to maintain the orders. Policemen were dispatched in case people got robbed.

As the world slowly returned to order, Aziraphale was getting more and more confused. The question is. Why? Why would Crowley troubled himself to paralyze the city? There’s no way that Down There had gotten into connect again, because Crowley would have told him. 

Another possiblity is, Crowley is after all, a demon. Maybe he got bored, or he simply came up with a fantastic idea too good to not to be carry out. In that case, Aziraphale would understand. That’s his nature. He just couldn’t help to do bad. Just like he couldn’t help to do good. There’s nothing to be angry about.

But when Aziraphale saw Crowley from afar, jumping on top of his Bentley, in the middle of a mess, yelling: “SURPRISE, ANGEL!,” all the understandings was forgot.

“WHAT THE FUCK, CROWLEY!!!”

“MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!”

They shouted at the exact same time and was both puzzled by the response. Crowley was especially horrified by the f-word. He jumped through the cars. Aziraphale ran up to meet him. They were both confused and unsure.

“Umm…… “ Aziraphale frowned. ”You did do this, didn’t you?” 

“The planning, yeah,” admitted Crowley. “You don’t like it?”

“I didn’t say so.” Aziraphale lied, like a liar. “But why?”

“Well, I thought you said…… ” Crowley moved uneasily. “Back in that boring restaurant…… Forget about that. Let’s go to your place.”

Crowley tried to drag him, but failed.

“My dear,” Aziraphale’s smile widened. “Did you do it because of what Anathema said?”

“What?”

“The addiction of technology.”

“Absolutely not.” Crowley dragged Aziraphale within the bookshop.

  
  


Everybody was home or on the way home. Some had been planning to stay late. A few couldn’t have go home tonight. They had no alternative but to go home now, because there’s no work to be attended, no text to be sent, no phone calls to be answered. There’s nothing left for anybody to be preoccupied. After a severe disconnection from both work and entertain, there’s no getting-away from Now, and people found themselves face to face with other people. It was like waking up from a dream.

“The depriving of technology. ”Aziraphale mused. ”It doesn’t necessary mean they would be happy, is it?”

“No, I won’t be surprised if someone got really pissed off,” said Crowley. "But it’s the free will thing. They got to choose how they’re going to react. We could give them patience or impulse, opportunities or disasters, anything, but in the end it’s their choice."

“Despite Heaven and Hell, to choose by one’s own.”

“Ineffable.”

They stood in darkness, behind the shop window, watching people going home. They must be going home, because it’s Christmas, and there’s nowhere else to go.

“Now that we gave the human their presents.” Aziraphale said apologetically. “It occurred to me, I’ve forgot to prepare yours.” 

“”Eh…… I bought you sushi.“ Crowley swung a plastic bag helpfully. “Does it count?”

“That was very poorly wrapped, even for sushi.” Aziraphale smiled at the figure of a swinging bag in the dark. “In that case, I’ll make you hot cocoa.”

Aziraphale moved. Crowley thought that he was heading for the backroom, except he came toward him and gave him a warm, friendly hug.

“Sorry for yelling at you. I don’t know how you came up with the idea or how you manage it, but I know you did it only because of what I said.”

Crowley was speechless.

“You alright, my dear?” Aziraphale asked. It’s too dark. He can’t see his face.

“F-fine. I mean, It’s more like a mischief, suit my style.” Crowley muttered. “Ugh, I still have my Bentley in the middle of the road. I’ll just, go and have it properly parked.”

After Crowley left in an awkward rush, Aziraphale followed to the door and drew aside an inch of curtain. The street was nearly empty. In the white moonlight, Crowley was hopping toward his Bentley, jumping and dancing. 

“Merry Christmas.” Aziraphale said softly.

He went to the backroom.


	5. Did It Work Out?

Anathema was paving anxiously at home, in America. She was on the phone.

“But what were you doing in the power plant?”

“Well, Mr. Crowley…… the one from the vegan restaurant, he phoned me and asked for a favor.”

“And you just do it?”

“Of course not. Anyway, I was simply trying to help. You told me they were a couple.”

“Oowww, yeees. You are so sweet. Did it work out?”

“How would I know, if I was arrested all this time?”

“Well, you got to face the consequences.” Anathema rolled her hair on her fingers. “Are you eating well?”

“Yes, but it’s not fair. I barely touched it. I didn’t know it would work that well, or that bad.”

“You should be glad then. If it were any longer, some people might be frozen to death, because the heating. You know.”

“Eh. That’s true.”

Anathema rolled onto her bed.

“I tried to book that restaurant yesterday.” She complained. “It turned out all the booking are filled until March. How sad.”

“Good.” Newt said immediately. “Good grief.”

“Any idea?” Anathema raised an eyebrow.

“Absolutely not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy it!


End file.
